Hi readers and welcoming to my first post of 2016!
It's taken me a couple of weeks to get around to writing this, but I've had my reasons, which I'll go into later. Firstly though, I was reading a magazine the other day that January is the worst time of year because we don't have anything to look forward to unlike the other months. Plus, its the deflate after Christmas and New Year because you've eaten and drunk so much, spent lots of money and had a ton of fun. Now, it's back to work or education with little money and feeling like you over did everything. Also, your New Year resolution has probably gone completely out of the window.
January and February always feel the hardest months to get through for me. It's cold and snowy- though I seemed to have missed nearly all the bad weather so far- and it's getting dark so early. Getting out of bed is super hard for me and I do tend to hibernate like a bear during winter. I'm not big on going out either- unless its snowed and it looks nice-because everywhere is muddy, wet or icy. And its so cold and though I do like walking, the weather has to be decent.
My health, which hasn't been good in years, also doesn't like the winter weather. I've been a bit bad recently with things and something keeps triggering my asthma. I've no idea what it is, but my chest has been giving me lot of grieve. I've had to take strong painkillers for my other health condition and the side effect of that is that I want to sleep all the time. Also, my iron level has been down again, making me tried and grumpy. I've been trying to start eating better to help all this issues and to loss some weight, but my other side effect is that I don't feel like eating and I become sick and nausea, making things harder.
Thankfully, I'm feeling better today though there is another event which has triggered these problems and I'm still struggling to deal with. I broke up with my boyfriend last Monday. He sent me a message about it then when we spoke I officially ended things. I was really mad at him because we'd just been to my brother's birthday meal on Saturday and spent Christmas and New Year together. I felt he'd just thrown that all way and it was like it didn't mean anything. I know that's not true, but I couldn't help but feel that way. We weren't meeting each other's needs and what I now want is different to what he wants because we are both at different stages really.
It's real difficult because we were together 3 and bit years and I thought 'd found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We never argued and were very close, we had enough in common and everything seemed to be good. I think though he kept this doubt about things between us and he let it grow and come out again. Will we get back together? Not anytime soon. He remembered what I had stated the last time we broke up and got back together, that if we broke again then a good amount of time, in which we dated other people and progressed more with our lives needed to happen before we decided if we should get back together. I think that's the best thing to do really.
A lot of people give me the classic advice of 'if one door closes another opens,' and 'if it's meant to be it'll find away,' I told my dog- who I've been talking to a lot and been seeking comfort from- 'there were plenty more fish in the sea' and 'it really wasn't the end of the world.' Sometimes though the classics catchphrases are just what you need to reassure yourself with. I'm going to miss him, no doubt about that, though he won't completely be out of my life. There's still Dungeons and Dragons and he did say he wanted to stay friends. I don't know how I really feel about that at the moment, but what I do want is for there to be a neutral line between us. I want to be mature and calm about it. I know that's going to be so hard to do, but I've got to come out of this stronger now, I don't have any choice.
I was watching the birds in the garden this morning and I was thinking how that the blue tits, the robin and the sparrows have to live in the current moment. So much of their time and energy is spent finding and eating food. Winter is the hardest month for them and yet they find the will to carry on. They don't seem to have that many worries but for getting the basic needs sorted and it made me think about everything I had to appreciate. My basic needs have been met and exceeded, I've had a good life, been luckier then other people and yeah, even though I'm not rich and famous - which is probably over rated anyway, I'm doing okay.
I wish my life was as simple as that of a bird's though. Humans compared to all the other animals live complicated, stressful and worry filled lives. The idea of going back to basics does attracted me, but I guess that would mean going to a small island with nothing on it and trying to survive. A Robinson Crusoe situation, but I couldn't cope without my books!
Whilst watching the birds I also noticed that the snowdrops and bluebells were coming up in the garden. Though it feels far to early for plants to become up, it seemed the mild winter is causing then to appear. The splash of green in the bare brown garden, made me feel happy. Everything moves on and keeps on turning, things happen for many reasons and the world is full of goodness. I guess I just feel like nature is reminding me that things have their time and place, life just carries on.
I feel little bit better after writing all of this now. Having time to reflect is important and I know it's going to take awhile before I move on again. My lack of motivation and wanting to do things will fade and for now I'm just going to do the small things and take little steps. Hopefully, I'll meet someone else soon. It is a big world out there after all.
I found this last image on another site and I just love it. It really fits in with what I've been writing about too. I thought it looked like a nice thing to finish on. Till next time.
Images from:
https://pixabay.com/
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/c3/fe/d0/c3fed0cd1cce09f81cf7a24cf5b48330.gif
No comments:
Post a Comment