Monday, 14 November 2016
So I know this post was meant to be up early last month, but I've not been very well and sadly, I'm still ill. For ages I've been thinking of writing a post about my long term health problem, but I've not got up the courage to write it. That's the problem with personal issues, sometimes you don't need the whole world to know what you're going though. Perhaps, one day I will get around to it. Though if you read last Monday's post things might be a better clearer now.
What I had planned to do was write about the first three vampire chronicle books for October then review some writing handbooks/help books ect for November and National Novel Writing Month. But I decided not to take part this year due to illness, my new job and the overall lack of time. Plus, I just couldn't come up with an idea. So, now things have fallen as they have. Also, I've decided not to read Queen Of the Damned. I did state last time about this, so I won't repeat myself now I've just remembered that.
Anyway, today I'm looking at one of my favorite novels. I'm totally surprised that I've not reviewed IWTV before, but I know I've brought it up and compared it to other vampire stories. I did review Prince Lestat like last year. I thought with it being autumn and the normal time to be reading creepy stories that I would re-read IWTV for like the fourth time, plus in my review of Glass Houses I stated that I really wanted to read IWTV. I thought it would be perfect to review this, Also the new Lestat novel, Prince Lestat And the Realms Of Atlantis, is out soon. So, that will also be a nice tie in.
One of the main problems is the physical reading of these novels. I forgot how hard my dyslexic brain finds reading them and though it's not taking me long to get into them and enjoy them, it's very hard going for me, which means I'm reading slowly in small sections. Anne Rice is also a master of the English language. She has this way of writing which draws and holds you in, it's old fashioned romantic poetry. And that's something I really love. She goes into great detail about the scenes and characters too, which for some people doesn't give them a change to imagine things, but I really like the depths she goes to when she describes things. It feels like I'm there and I don't have to try hard to picture it.
I could write a lot about Rice's writing style etc, but I won't because we'd be here awhile. Let's move on to the characters. I often think that Lestat must be like the second greatest vampire. Dracula comes first! But then in terms of famous vampires, Lestat must be second because he's just so well known and Rice has written so many books about him now. Yes, he has only two movies - one which wasn't so great, but there's a third coming out soon. I don't think the Vampire Chronicles would work as a TV series. Perhaps, though all the most recent vampire books and TV shows have slightly over shadowed him? I guess if you asked a mixed group of people to name a vampire, Edward from Twilight would be the highest outcome. And we all know how I feel about those books.....
(Lestat and Louis from the IWTV movie)
Lestat as a character is very interesting. He is unpredictable and what he wants he gets. He is a total rebel, going against the world. In IWTV he's mysterious and keeps his secrets to himself. This just makes him even more interesting, but when you read his book, it all becomes very clear.
IWTV is Louis' story, so for now I'm going to leave Lestat till next week. I do have a soft spot of Louis, I guess because he has that human nature to him and he is a very likable character - more so then Lestat in this book, but you can understand why Rice might have done that. Louis has an interesting background and if you've only seen the movie then it hardly touches his history before he become a vampire. Louis has a whole family, which tragic things happen to leading to Louis entering a downward spiral.
Then he meets Lestat and becomes a vampire, which causes him more problems because he can't carry on living a human life now. He has to give up everything that he's known and try to move on. But the answers he wants from Lestat he just doesn't get. He decides to leave, but Lestat decides this can't happen and so makes another vampire to bind them together. However, Claudia is a child, not yet 6 years old and being made into a vampire gives her the mind of a fully grown woman.
I read that Claudia was inspired by the Anne Rice's daughter who died young. I find Claudia really interesting, she is the opposite of Louis and totally a vampire because she had very little time as a human. She does have a likeness to Lestat because she is a rebel, but she is manipulative. This really comes across when she is hunting and Louis descriptions her as playing with her victims and using them to get what she wants. Claudia also has a thirst for knowledge and it's actually her that ends up destroying everything.
Unable to get answers from Lestat about where vampires came from and where they can find others, Claudia plots to kill Lestat with Louis help. She does achieve this and they escape. However, Lestat's death haunts Louis and he often falls into wondering if they are the only vampires in the world. They travel around the world seeking others and finding only stories and creatures that are like the old Nosferatu vampires.
Finally in Paris, they meet other vampires, but don't get much further in answering their questions. It also turns out that these coven vampires have strict rules, two of which Louis and Claudia have broken; killing Lestat and the turning of Claudia into a vampire so young. Armand, who is kinda leader of the group does warn Louis about this, but as they are sort of falling in love, Louis doesn't leave Paris. This only leads to total tragedy as Lestat, who survived Claudia's attack, joins in a trial to declare what happen. The vampires decided Claudia has to die. She is burnt by the sun before Louis can save her and he turn is only saved by Armand. Louis then seeks his revenge and destroys the coven.
Then Louis is officially alone for the first time in his life. For awhile he wonders the world for Lestat until they meet again. Lestat is still recovering from Claudia's attack and Louis decides not to go back to him, but to carry on alone.
(Claudia from the IWTV movie)
The narrative is actually as the title states, because Louis is telling his story to a young journalist. The whole interview takes place across one night and the structure of the book reflects this. The journalist does sometimes ask questions and there is a bit of a conversation between them which helps to break up Louis story. The novel has long chapters with line breaks and it feels like a continuous flow of speech. You do get a good sense that you are in the room hearing this too!
The dialogue is fantastic and Rice has got the feel of eighteenth century/ nineteenth century speech down well. Like I said at the start, Rice has a way with this flowery romantic old fashioned language that fits in well with the timeline and characters. Even though my brain sometimes does struggle to understand some words, the more time I read it the more I understand it. To be honest I read Rice more for the images she creates and the characters then her style of writing.
Of course, I would recommend this book to everyone. It really is a turning point in fictional vampires and gives you a new look at how and why vampires draw writers and readers in. Rice has created this whole history and world which feels very real and comes across well. At some points, I did have to wonder if this actually happened and if these vampires are out their somewhere and they just used Rice to tell and publish their stories. Though of course, it does feel weird why they wouldn't have just come forward themselves, but that's getting into the world of True Blood. I do have that series on my bookcase and maybe next year I might read them. I've seen all the seasons of it though, wasn't the last one so bad? I can't believe the books would end like that!
Anyway, I so have to stop there because if I don't I'll just carry on writing and I want to move on and review The Vampire Lestat now. Going to get them both out of the way whilst they are fresh in my head. Then I can fully move on to something else.....Another vampire novel actually! But one that's in a totally different class. I wonder actually if someone has written some fanfic cross over of Lestat meeting the Black Dagger Brotherhood? That's be interesting to read, might look for some later..... if you know any please comment, also I'd love to hear you thoughts about Interview With The Vampire and vampire fiction in general.
Thanks for reading and see you next week!
Monday, 7 November 2016
It feels like we've not had a book review in ages! That's because my last one was in September! Part of the problem has been that it's taken me ages to read Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestat. I was also meant to be reading and reviewing Queen Of The Damned, but I'm not going to because the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book is sat on my to-read-pile and I'm so picking that up next! Next Monday though will see my review of Anne Rice's vampires because today I want to write about the other reason why it's taken me so long to read two books.
My mental health has been really bad lately and it's been due to some medication I've had to go on. Though I've briefly talked about it in the past, I've never gone into details about my long term health problem. I guess because I don't know really where to start or how to write it, but it's also because it's embarrassing and I've hardly ever tell anyone about it. I have in my drafts on here, a blog post titled about it, but I've not been able to bring myself to write it. And now, that I'm sat here writing this, which actually began as an idea a few weeks, when I had decided to try and write about it, I find once again I can't bring myself to do it!
Anyway, I don't really need to go into details about it because this post is about the medication I'm on and how it effects me. I'm sure some people will be able to relate to this because the drugs are used for other illness too. I guess, I decided to write about because it's a good chance to reflect on things and to remind me that this is just a moment in my life which will soon pass. Plus, maybe it'll help someone else too.
So, five weeks back I started on a course of steroids to help control my illness, which due to being messed around by my hospital -story of my life that!- had gotten out of control and I was at risk of having to go into accident and emergency to get them to sort out out. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again! I've actually had a lot of courses of steroids over the ten years I've now been diagnosed for. This dose is like my fourth or fifth this year. So, I'm use to being on them.
Now, if you've ever been on them or other tablets that can effect you, then you'll spent time reading closely what they can do and even though I know, I always re-read the leaflets they give you. I know medication effect everyone differently and this is my personal account of how steroids effect me.
Firstly, there's the main and biggest one which is my mental health. (And if you were wondering why I choice Alice In Wonderland quotes for this post, this will explain it.) The best way I can explain what steroids do to my brain is to compare it to someone - a child really, who has attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I' m hyper all the time, like I'm running on pure sugar. I don't feel tried and often I can't sleep. I want to do everything all at once and I talk a lot more. My attention span is short and I get bored quick and want to move on to something else. When I do get tried, I crash hard and at the minute I'm getting up to 12 hours sleep, because I'm just so exhausted but I don't feel it.
I am also having some autistic traits. I don't want to be around people, I want to be alone and I don't really want to be touched. I'm finding it hard to understand simple things that people are telling me or asking me to do. I'm also having trouble communicating back! I know what I want to say, but it comes out wrong or else the meaning of the words isn't right. My sense of hearing also feels changed and I'm hearing stuff in the background more, though a few times what I'm hearing isn't actually there. I'm highly aware of the world around me, especially large groups of people. I'm hypersensitive to touch, so the simplest thing of someone brushing my arm, I feel it fully and a gentle tap feels hard to me.
I have high levels of anxiety and paranoia, I over worry about things and people even though there's no need. I've had a few anxiety attacks now and they have all been caused by large crowds. My most recent happened last week whilst I was in Manchester with my date. We were on one of the most busy streets and it all got too much for me. I panicked about the number of people around me and what they were all going to do. I couldn't carry on walking and we had to stop next to the large city map. I started crying. I was so over welled by everything I couldn't do anything.
My date handled it great. Of course, I told him at length everything I'm currently writing. There's no way I could hard this from him and I felt that was an important test of our relationship, because sadly this is a part of my life. He took me off to the side and calmed me a little. He then suggested we go to the book shop, where we had kinda been heading anyway and get off the street. I agreed and we went to Waterstones. It was quiet and I found comfort in the books. I brought two as well! I felt a lot better, though also silly. It's weird because in that moment everything just felt too real to me and I can't describe because there's no way to. But a part of me knew nothing was wrong and it was just an anxiety attack because I'd had a sensory overload.
I think the last part of how steroids effect my mental health can best be described as having bipolar. I have been having mood swings that either are 'manic' moments or 'depression.' These mood swings come on suddenly and can be caused by everything and nothing. Normally it's stress or just too much happening at once. However, it's also caused by my hunger. This is another side effect and I feel hungry all the time no matter what and how much I eat. Sometimes I'll get cravings for certain foods and it can only by solved by eating that food and if I can't have it I start to get angry.
For example, on another date, I wanted a jacket potato for tea. Now idea why, but that was what I needed. We past a cafe selling them, but it was only like 4pm, so we decided to come back later. However the shop was shut and I had a bit of a break down over the fact this had happened. My date had to search for the nearest place that was selling jacket potato. Luckily there was another place real close by and once I was eating, I was alot better.
Now the depression side of things normally happens when I start reducing the dose and have only a few weeks worth left, which is actually about this time. I'm on an eight week course and this is now week five. I'm use to how this form of depression is though and know the cause is the drugs and that knowledge helps a little. Still, having low/bad thoughts about myself isn't great no matter what. I hate depression because it's so hard to get out of and it feels easier to just keep falling. I have to combate it by focusing on something like arts/crafts, music and writing alot.
I also try and talk to people, but this can be hard - even harder when I'm still suffering from the other mental issues too! People don't know how to help me. They don't know what to do or say and this can make things worse. Right now, I just keep telling people, to say to me that it's okay and it'll pass ect. Also, just to listen to me and not even give advice or anything, but just be there for me. Then I feel better, knowing that.
The other side effects are all smaller in comparing to all of that! I already wrote about the hunger, but I then switch and don't want to eat at all. I don't feel hungry even though I am and I don't want to eat anything. So I end up snacking because I can't face big meals and though I do love fruit and veg and other health treats, I do fall back on the sugar, especially because when the hyper effect is running out and I feel so exhausted, I need the energy back. I also drink a lot and have a thirst for everything. At the minute I've also get my purple bat sippy cup full of water or juice because then it's to hand and it helps. I also put on a lot of weight, which I totally hate, but more now that I've been working hard to loss it! This time doesn't feel so bad though because I've been trying to to do more exercise, so hopefully it won't take me long to get back down again.
The other side effect I hate is 'rounded face' or 'moon face' my cheeks get really fat and red. It looks like I've put on a lot of weight suddenly or I've had a mild reaction to something. It's noticeable and I really hate it because nothing but being off steroids for a weeks can cure it! That knowledge doesn't make me feel better right now though.
Remember my line about having hypersensitive skin? Well, it bruises easily too. So at the minute, my legs, arms and stomach have bruise from my restless nights rolling around on my bed and also from my rushing into things during the day. I look like I've been abused, that's how bad it seems. It's not true at all though! Thank God it's winter and I'm covering up all the time at the minute, because there's no way I'd want my legs and arms to be on display at the moment.
Insomnia is another side effect, but I've not suffered greatly from that this time around. I guess because I'm not going to bed till between 1am-3am that the insomnia doesn't have time to kick in! The nightmares on the other hand have kicked in. It doesn't help I have a very active imagination and on steroids this is heightened. My dreams have felt so real of late that when I awake, it's hard for me to realise that it was a dream or a nightmare. I've had moments were I've done the whole; I'm-awake-no-I'm -not- I'm- still- asleep, -I'm -awake now-...no,- still -asleep! repeating a few times. Then when I finally awake I'm all a panic and it takes me awhile to calm down. Alongside this, one of the rare side effects is hallucination, which isn't been that bad actually and I hope it stays that way!
I think that covers everything. I so know this post has been long, but I feel better about it all now. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and I'm not in pain now. But I always wonder is the pros worth the cons? For me having to deal with the mental problems is always challanging, but I do over come it and the steriods do help alot and stop me going into hosptial. It's only for now anyway and I've recently started a new drug which should help too. So, soon I'll be back to normal and better then before.
Thanks for reading and see you next week!
Ps. If you've got the time please check out my other blog. I write a short story every day, just in case you didn't know that! https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/
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Tuesday, 1 November 2016
Hi readers and happy Halloween to everyone!
So, it's fallen on a Monday this year, which is pretty cool cause I get to share Halloween on the actual night! Also, though it does mean that I've had to get ahead writing this because I've plans and I'm just so busy right now. Which is good, but also not so good. Anyway, in to this post. So the Jack O'Lantern above is my tester one. I wanted something real simple and quick, which this tree was, but I know it's a bit messing because I had to hurry making it.
I made this on Thursday because my brother who's just moved out wanted pumpkin pie, which he would have missed out on as he moved on Friday. I'm super going to miss him as we get on great and he's moving far away. Well, about 5-6 hours drive away to Southampton which is past London and we live in Manchester. So, he wanted pumpkin pie and then it seemed a waste to let the outside go to waste, so I used it for practice.
Also, I've been having a go at taking some better photos. So hopefully that'll be useful. So this year I've three pumpkins, which I think is like the max I've every had. I've not carved all three though. I've only every done two. The third one was craved by the new man in my life. We've still just dating at the moment, but things are progressing. This was the first time he's carved a pumpkin! It was actually great fun doing it together.
Here's the pumpkins before carving.
This one's mine and I decided to go with a Count Dracula face, but I didn't get it right. So it kind of looks like a weird face.
This one is my date's. He went with a really scary face. We also switched out a candle for this light up balloon which made his even more creepy.
I think it all went well and they turned out pretty good. I just love shopping in October and all the Halloween stuff really attracts me. I've tried hard not to spend as much money as I normally do, but I think I've not been able to stick to that! The first thing I brought for Halloween was actually this baby werewolf plush soft toy. He's from Build-A-Bear and I just fell in love with him so much! He's so fluffy and I find holding him real calming. Which has been great for my anxiety problem. I could have brought this little ripped up blue denim jacket for him, but then he'd also need pants. I do kind of like him the way he is, but maybe I might make him clothes at some point - be a lot cheaper!
I treated myself to another bear from Spiral.com this year too. Last year, I got the vampire Vlad and this year I got the grim reaper teddy. They also have a cat with bat wings which I might get next year. These two look so cute together though! Also, they match what my date and I dressed up as, which was a little strange!
I always love all the different cups, mugs, goblets, jars etc that the shops sell and you can get. I don't actually have many myself as I don't use them, surprisingly! However, that changed when I got the purple plastic bat sippy cup! I totally love it and I don't think there's a day gone by since I got it about three weeks ago now that I've not used it! The bats have googly eyes on and it's actually a really big almost a pint I'd say in size. Now, the mason jars. They are huge in America and seem to be growing in popularity here in the UK. I got the white one which has like Witch's drink on it first and then brought the orange for my date to have. So we'd be kinda matching, which I thought was cute. The fourth glass was actually the first I brought and I was thinking of using it more of a tea light holder or maybe a little vase.
I am a massive fan of candles as most of you know. But we don't get many autumn/pumpkin scented candles here. So when I see one I always end up getting it. I found this abandoned on a side shelf of Halloween masks and though I tried to find some more, I couldn't. I smells great though. I also got the new Yankee Candles scent which was called Forbidden Apple. Which smells awesome, but I do feel let down by it because apple is one of my favorite smells and I have a big Granny Smith scented Yankee candle which smells almost the same to me. I've got a caramel/candied apple too.
Okay, so this year for the trick or treaters I just got a big bag of 'monster' sweets/candy. I made goodie bags last year and ran out, so this year I'm just going with this. I've a sweet tooth but Halloween sweets just appeal to me even more. My favorites are the Chewits fangs, but I can only get them from one shop for some reason! But they are so good.
My mum actually brought me the Twinkies - we don't have them in the UK and only certain shops - American themed sweet shops have them. But we found these in the world food aisle in a supermarket and I just knew I had to give them a try! They are brought out for the new ghost buster movie, but I guess the supermarket was like they are Halloween-y. They are key lime flavor which is like one of my favourite things, but you can't actually buy a key lime pie or anything else that flavor here. No idea why, I'd love that to change!
Then there's a packet of witch's fingers which are peanut butter and strawberry jam centered- so tasty. And a big box of fancy chocolates. These are so good and just I could eat them all. My mum originally thought I'd give them out to the kids, but they are too good for that and too cute!
Halloween fancy chocolates.
I've actually brought a lot of table clothes this year. I got three. Though one I'm actually using as a veil for my costume though! That was the first and it's actually the cloth I used for the table to take this photos with. The second cloth is the colorful plastic one. Even though I'm not having a party and don't need to cover a food table, I thought this would be great for actually going on the table/s outside were the pumpkins are to be displayed. The second cloth is the sliver bat one and that actually has a runner with it too. It was expensive but I love the fabric! Then I got so spider cobwebs as I really need some more that were not white or black.
Today, has been really crazy. Had to carve the pumpkins and decorate the house. Luckily, I'd got a few things out of the attic for that, but I think the big box of stuff is under my bed somewhere and I didn't have time to get that. Anyway, the front of the house looks pretty good. It's kinda the same how I had it last year I think. I wanted to get like some gravestones and them dotted around the front lawn bit, but I didn't have the money. I also saw some more skeleton creatures - rats, ravens, spiders, but I couldn't find any when I went back for them. It looks the part anyway.
We put up the decorations up first thing and then we carved the pumpkins. This is how the display looked this year.
Then finally there's us in our costumes. I went as a vampire bride and he was a grim reaper.
And I just have to show you my dad's costume! This was the one he made last year, but it's still so awesome. My mum and I helped him make it.
We decided to go to a local ghost walk tonight and though we didn't see any ghosts it was fun, and I learnt a little about the town I live in. We walked though the graveyard too and I took some creepy photos.
Lastly, and I know it's not really got anything to do with Halloween, but I wanted to share this awesome wool I found. It was really cheap and I'm going to knit a nice woolly scarf with it!
Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has had a fun night! See you all next week!
Monday, 10 October 2016
So last week I was ill and couldn't write. I had also spent the whole day in Leeds and arrived back late, so I was super tried too. I've been at work today and I'm not much in the mood to write now, but I wanted to post a little about a mix of things instead of missing another week. So here's a very rambling life update.
First off the Steampunk fair was really good. It was the biggest I'd ever gone to and I brought a lot of things, including Christmas presents for my mum. There was a lot of things to see and do even though I was actually ill on the day, but I still had a good time. I was not able to take as many photos as I wanted, so I've only got a few and no good ones of me wearing my costume! This photo above is the view from the top floor of the hotel we were in. I loved seeing all the city lights.
I totally needed a new camera! Also a new computer screen or two as my second screen is just dying. I'm still in debate about getting a laptop too. It would be nice to curl on the sofa or in bed and write. Especially as the nights are getting colder.
Anyway, here are some of things I brought and some business cards I collected;
I really like this candle jar. It's so petty and also looks easy to make, but you can't put a real candle in it because there's paper inside. I might have a go at making one myself.
I brought the wolf and Toronto key chains together because they were so cute and cheap! The tree of of life my date - soon to be boyfriend!- brought me and I'm so thinking of turning it into a necklace as it would look way better and also I'd love to wear it instead of just carrying it around with me. The actual necklace, which didn't come up that well is a Steampunk style heart with keys and gears, it looks really nice, but not overly Steampunk, so I can wear it often.
This gnomes were too cute to leave behind! I got the red one of my mum and the brown one of me. I love how they seem to be steampunked with those large goggles. Mine is currently sat on my desk with the clay dragons I got last time.
Also, I couldn't leave this guy behind! He's a battle toad drawn by this very out of the box artist. He also told me he was working on battle snail and I'd have loved to have brought that too. Have to watch out for it next time.
My collection of business cards and flyers. Some of them might come in handy for connected people.
With it being October now I've started Halloween! I've already got a few decorations and yesterday I had my first practice at making gingerbread. I need to improve on my icing skills though, but they did turn out okay and they are very tasty. I also made flapjack and I swear taking good photos of food is hard! I've got a few plans building for Halloween too, so hopefully I'll write about them soon.
To tie into this tomorrow, I'm going to be making soap with the young people at the youth center. I say make but really I mean melt and pour stuff, which makes life so much easier. The kids are going to love it and I got ghosts and bat shapes for them to make. Also, taking photos of clear soap is hard. I so need a good camera! Maybe an idea for Christmas.
Speaking of I've already started shopping! Mum and I are doing the advent calendar bags again and we are also doing the Christmas Eve luckily dip. I've had a great idea to make lip scrub and festive shaped soap. Can't wait to start that! I think I'm more excited about Christmas then Halloween this year because of all the things I want to make.
I'm also applying for a new job. Actually it's at the place I work and part-time, so it's going to be real suitable for me. It's receptionist, front of house and a bit of admin, basically it's what I've been volunteering as for the last few months. I need to finish off my application tomorrow now and get it sent in. I'm going to get an interview anyway, but I need to try and my best. It'll be useful to have another job anyway and lucky for me if it's in the place I'm at now.
Recently, I've been enjoying watching autumn settle in, especially in my garden. We put out food for the birds and I love watching them coming and eating. We mainly have blue tits, coal tits, greater tits and black birds. I've yet to see the robin though.
We also have a squirrel or a few! Most people see them as vermin and invading the homes red squirrels which are native to England. But I still like them and find them interesting creatures.
Lastly, I'm having a hard time reading The Vampire Lestat. I forgot how long and going on with itself it can be! I still love it and due to the chapters find it an easier layout then Interview With A Vampire, but my deadline of finishing was actually to day and I'm only about a quarter through! I don't know if I'll finish it in two weeks time when I'm now meant to be reviewing it. Then it's Halloween and the review of Queen of the Damned, which I don't think I'm going to get read in two-ish weeks either. So I'm not sure what to do.... I guess find other posts to fill the gaps or not write on those days. Have to figure it out.
I think that's it! Thanks for reading.
Monday, 26 September 2016
So today I was meant to do another book review and it was going to be Interview With A Vampire but then I realized I'd have like a week to read The Vampire Lestat and Interview took me like 3 weeks, so I decided that maybe it was best to wait and then I could also do Queen of The Damn too. Plus, also they seem very fitting for October! Also, I'm meant to be going to a steampunk weekend this week and I want to write about that, so it made even more sense to wait.
This post might feel a bit random, but I thought it'd be something everyone could relate too.
As I child and teenager one of the things I really wanted to do was to grow up. Of course, there were other things I wanted, but to break away from my parents, get out of high school, do what I wanted when I wanted it ect, that was the main one. I guess most under 18's feel the same. Then though when you are over 20 or so, you wish to go back to that time because life was so much easier. You didn't have to worry so much about money, other people, were your life was truly going and love. Being a child is frustrating, but being an adult can be even more frustrating.
And currently my love life is very frustrating. In the first week of July, I wrote an update post about thing, which did center around the dating I'd been doing. The post is here; http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/july-life-update-part-1-what-am-i-doing.html. Briefly though I dropped guys B and C as they weren't for me and guy A dropped me- no idea what went wrong there, so I decided to stick it out with guy D, though I did have a a date or two with two other guys in the early days. One actually made a total mess of the after date conversation and totally put me off seeing him again.
I decided to come off the dating website and just enjoy my time with D. He and I do get along, even though I don't feel the same physical attraction to him as he does me. We have a lot in common and all our dates have been good. Going to Blackpool was the best one though! The thing has been that I can't make my mind up about him. I like D, but not in the whole falling in love way. He's a perfect gentleman - really does remind me of a British Victorian upper class, stiff upper lip gentleman really.
I do like that though. D's charming, caring and likes looking after me, but that only plays to one side of me. One of my other sides demands a wild rawness which he has yet to display. Though I also seek softness, passion and slowness. The child in me craves another child like soul to play with and though he's touched on that side of himself I need more. I have another side that seeks being dominated and surrendering. Yet I also have a side the begs for independence, alone-ness and space. My creative side needs D to be more expressive, adventurous and less controlling. My outgoing side needs him to be more confident, outgoing and louder, so that he becomes more in balance with my nature.
So, you can see this is a big undertaking! I don't expect anyone to be able to satisfy all sides of me and it seems I'm like a few persons rolled into one, which is sometimes how I end up feeling anyway. My ex dealt with it well though and perhaps he's slightly to blame for bring more of those sides out. I'm happy like this though, sure I can do with being less emotional, over thinking, over worrying and self-conscious, but wouldn't everyone?
Actually, my ex is hanging over me like a ghost and so are the shadows of the past. I can't shake him. Too much I think back and compare him to D or one of the other guys I dated. I know it's wrong and I must stop. You can't compare men like they are shoes. They look and fit how they do, each one is different and individual. They all have their pros and cons too. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't no matter how hard you try and maybe that's for the best because one day you'll find the perfect shoes. That's a good if strange way to think about men.
I'm now going to use another example to help explain what happened between me and D this weekend. So far everything has be going well and I've been happy with the casual dating. About a month ago, I invited him for a weekend away in Leeds to take part in a steampunk fair. He agreed and we got a hotel for two nights between us. We decided to have a sort of trail run of spending the night together and also more private time. So, I went to his for Saturday night and now comes in my example.
Now, does anyone remember a '90's teenage drama series called The Tribe? Here's a memory jog;
I was addicted to this when I was an teen and I still am today. It has a surprisingly large following still. I'm bring it up because there was a lot of characters who had romantic encounters and relationships which were filled with teen awkwardness and lack/ break down of communication. This kids didn't understand the feelings they were going through and of course in the dystopian world they live in there are no adults to help explain things. So, they had to figure things out and also try and survive. Though they never seemed short of make up and clean clothes!
That teen awkwardness and break down of communication is so what happened at the weekend. There were things he and I both should have said and done that we didn't. It was difficult because we were not alone and I think it was harder for him because this was the first time he'd brought a girl to met his mum. The other problem was we did just want my ex and I use to do; sit on the soft and watch stuff. It was a jump back to a past I was trying to escape from and I just felt let down. On Sunday, he wasn't feeling well but didn't tell me that until we had left to go to the train station. I was mean to him and I said some things I shouldn't have said, but at the time I was angry and upset with him. Okay, I wasn't expecting to be treated like a Princess but he hardly treated me like a guest.
It was on my mind last night and has been on my mind all of today. Why and how had that happened? Who was to blame for a bad weekend? How come he'd upset me so much that I didn't want to see him again? The truth is both of us are to blame. I think me more then him though because I clearly need to be the one 'wearing the pants' in this relationship, which is something I've not done before and have little experience of. It's clearly time to learn!
In fact, whilst I've been writing this post we have been talking on Skype and it seems we have been able to draw a line under that weekend. He wants to put it behind us and fix the attention on Leeds, which promises to be a lot more fun and productive! I do agree, but as I told him, I need him to come out of his shell some more and just be more of himself. He needs to work on his low confidence and we both need to communicate better. I need to let go of the past, move on and stop being so selfish.
Maybe there's hope for us after all, but we'll see.
By the way this photo of a crab was meant to represent me when I get angry and/or upset. I'm too much like my star sign! But it also seemed fitting for what I just wrote too.
If you've got any relationship advice you'd like to share then please do and as always please check out my other blog; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/
See you next Monday!